Decided in an effort to write slightly longer posts and embrace vulnerability, I should share a few “journal” type entries. Not sure whether or not to include full dates, or just day and month, so I’ll play around with it and see how I feel.
It’s 10PM and I’m sitting here,asking myself if it really is easier to cling onto these memories, but also wondering why I cling onto them so tight to begin with?
My only conclusion is that I’m worried about what’s outside of this space.
Despite my heart breaking a little more each day, somehow I still want to stay here. Its painful but it doesn’t yet feel like it’ll be any better out there.
In here it’s dark and I feel sick and scared of what will be revealed to me next.
I have to cry myself to sleep, or speak to anyone who’ll listen and then and only then is it over and I can again see a future.
Suddenly I start reflecting on the never ending cycles of goodbyes, in the wake of another one.
Everyone keeps saying that in time this will lead to a hello and all I keep thinking is this doesn’t apply to me.
I hate goodbyes, but now have a body count of people who I’ve said painful goodbyes too, some we didn’t even get a chance, it just ended.
A full stop that wasn’t pretty to look at, had no hope within it, where I wasn’t sure of where it’d lead.
Disappointment creeps in, because its seems I have forgotten everything I learned.
I’ve forgotten to live in the now, forgotten to be mindful, forgotten that the present isn’t always going to be shiny but you should be grateful for being given it anyway.
That you should always try to just be here, in this space, regardless of how painful it is.
That you should wake up and do it again and again, until being here, happens as effortlessly as breathing.
** this also happens to mark my 100th post on xonin, so cheers to that **