Oh March, possibly one of the most reflective months I’ve had in YEARS. There’s so much going on some, I’ll probably never talk about simply because I don’t have the right words. The parts that I do have the words for may sound a little ram-bly (is that a word?) either way, here goes starting with the,
My emotions have been running high with the thought of giving up living abroad (for a while). It’s no secret that I have been extremely homesick and all I’ve wanted was hugs from my best friends and a decent cup of tea! But now that time is approaching, I suddenly remember the little things that I enjoy about living in Japan and will be giving up for example:
Going for late night runs without fear / having random strangers stop me in the middle of the street for a chat even though I don’t understand and can barely respond / cycling everywhere without fear of some idiot texting whilst driving & knocking me over / polite greetings when I walk into pretty much anywhere, shops, banks, restaurants you name it.
This has a caused a push vs pull of emotions in me, that I wasn’t expecting. I keep asking myself why on earth I want to leave.
Why leave somewhere SO sunny and warm, for bloody cold England?
Why leave somewhere where you feel safe?
Why, why, WHY?
And the answer is simply that as beautiful and fearless as Japan can be, just like everywhere else in the world it has its share of ****heads. Yeah I said it.
You know the ones that are NOT subtle in their dislike for ‘others’. And quite frankly I’ve reached the end of my ‘’kill them with kindness’’ routine. For now at least.
SO, the time has come to get on my theoretical horse and leave quietly.
Another area that’s been causing me anxiety and sleepless nights is my relationship. Something I rarely delve too deep into because let’s be honest nobody really cares and I’m not 17.
Relationships are great aren’t they? When it just works, and you’re on the same page it can be PURE bliss! This month however, more than any other has tested mine. We are working through a few things and the major one being that we remain on opposite’s sides of the fence about leaving Japan.
Whereas I am more than ready to leave, his still loving life and wants to stay a longer.
It’s not that we have only just spoken about it and it’s new. We have been going back and forth with this decision for a really long time. A lot of time, energy and tears have been put into those conversations and alongside many other reasons we still have no concrete answer, that has made us BOTH happy.
For now, I won’t try to predict what will happen in the future as that’s not important AND because all we have is today and now, so why continue to torture myself with tomorrows? Instead I will say this, we do love each other very much and both want the other person to be happy so luckily that much hasn’t changed.
I’ll end with saying that through all of this I have finally reached a place where I know exactly who I am and what makes me happy, which I don’t think would’ve happened otherwise and so even in what today feels like the darkest hour full of uncertainty, I am still beyond grateful for the experiences we have had together.
Alongside our intimate conversations, my mindfulness course and chats with my closest friends, have all combined together to push me on a journey that I know will help me become the best version of myself. Which leads me to talking about the UPs, because despite the many DOWNS the ups are what I’m focusing on.
Although I spent the majority of March ugly crying, the kind that would give Kim Ks a run for its money. Today I am happy to report that looking back on it all, each of those moments meant something and was trying to grab my attention into issues that I have until this point refused to accept and/or change.
I now understand that it was meant to wake me up out of the mundane bubble I have been living in. Because outside of that bubble is common sense and above all else JOY. And one day at a time, I am working towards reaching that point.
Sorry do I sound like a spiritual teacher? I’m really not trying to, I promise! I just feel like a weight has been lifted, granted in the form of many tears, but still it’s been lifted and I have my wonderful friends, books and meditating to thank for that.
Blog wise, I am still having lots of FUN. From joining a semi new series called Contemplation, to continuing my photography exploration it’s all been pretty eye opening. I am also enjoying connecting with you and writing on here so that makes me smile and is definitely an UP.
Now last month I mentioned starting a new page for my writing (stories / journal entries etc) I must admit it’s taken a bit of a back seat because of personal matters, but I haven’t forgotten and it will HAPPEN as soon as I can devote time to it.
What’s next? … Posts about Golden Week, a few day trips and Pet Travel information other than that nothing else has been set in stone which is good because it’ll give me more time to dedicate to reading and generally enjoying my last few months in Japan.
I hope that if March did not treat you well, it showed you what you are capable of and how deserving of good things you are. If it did treat you well, I hope it floods over into April.
Here’s to a brand new month and plenty of opportunities to make it awesome!
As its Thursday, I have decided to combine my Three Things into this post:
NETFLIX and Dare. AHHHH I have recently started watching Daredevil, I can hear the horrified gasps now but it’s actually pretty good. Unless you hated the film and found it too cheesy in which case you’ll probably not like the series. UNLESS like me you LOVE cheese? Give it a watch and don’t judge it fully by the film or by the first few episodes.
SPRING. Has sprung and its glorious, Japan is AMAZING in the spring it’s not too hot or humid and evenings are cool as a cucumber! If it could stay this way all year round I would probably stay forever.
THOUGHTS. You not alone. You really aren’t. There are people out there who care deeply about you and your well being, there are even people you haven’t met yet who are waiting for someone like you to walk into their life. So whatever is going on today … give tomorrow a CHANCE to show you this. Thank you to my friends for the last few weeks especially and for reminding me that I am not alone.
Till next time.